The Girl From Yesterday

[Cody Nash]

The Girl From Yesterday
By: Cry




Day 1..

In a place where I play each melody on my mind,
I claim through the days that I've seen all the kinds,
all the shapes, all the colors..
the scars, beasts and beauties,
that there's no originality to be seen in the movies!
what we see is a loosely, sketchy version to life,
but today as I play, I find these words are a lie
and that there's no enemy greater,
or worse than the mind..


Day 2..

If only her beauty could be burned from my eyes,
and if anything here is to be learned I will try..
as long as I'm told of the girl walking by,
when I played my guitar..
and made all my complaints,
as I held up pickett signs that have my brain on display..
rubbing blame off my face, scritch-scratching it gone,
so they call me an addict - and I'm laughing it off..
stereotypical homeless, most are like that for sure,
and I guess in way.. so am I, past the dirt..
past the rags and no money,
wait - why am I thinking?
when that girl was so stunning..
so lovely.. I've never seen a speciman like her,
I've lost my will to play,
nothing's left but to find her!
I'm repeating my words.. my dog gapes at my side,
even he's looking directly where her face was that night!
and I stay up and try..
dying to imagine -
but in a way I could cry while denying it happened,
because frustration can't pry anymore than it does
when I try to remember just what morning light was,
what the streets felt like while scorching my feet,
before forming my love and courting my needs..
for this complete stranger,
not even remembering what it means to see later,
what saying hello is.. or even where home is,
I forgot the fundamentals of being this homeless!
it's hopeless, I'm blocking the useless thoughts,
tossing them all a harsh dismisal,
because against the girl from yesterday,
this all seems artificial...

[Cody Nash]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...822/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...919/index.html

I'll get my second link tonight when I get off work.

[Krimson]

wow mate, this was really good. Your writing style is very open and mellow but with great imagery. A nice flow and you express yourself well and go into a lot of detail to help the reader understand the process for your writing.
Liked the structure and the progression, the wording was great and really well suited.

please return the feed.

[Spoken Deity]

the rhyme made the read fun, but hindered some potential in a few place... And yet, made other parts dope as hell. you had some great lines, a fun and consistent tone, and like I said, the rhyme was interesting. If I remember, you tend to write in rhyme more than anything else. Try switching it up and going with shorter sentences, less words, with more intentional vocab.
overall, not a bad poem. not your best, but still, fun to read... the overall concept was dope

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

Hmmm. I have to say that I really liked the concept. I liked the way the hopes were built up and dashed as quickly as they were. This piece was quite powerful and i could relate to it cuz i've been in the same position (no not homeless...) but wanting a girl that i'll never get.

I'm still a noob at poetry, so i really don't know how to leave any decent feedback. But i would say that I enjoyed the poem for starters. Although i have read better on here. The vocabulary was good but i thought at some points the reading and flow of the poem became a little sketchy.

Thats all i can think of to say,
Nice piece, good read, pretty dope concept.

- Divine -

[RayFree]

This piece is something I can relate to actually its something almost every man can relate to almost. I'm not to serious bout vocab when it comes to writing because its all about the message with me but the way you rhyme and express at the same time is a good way to catch people's attention.

By reading this poem it seems you now understand that men are aroused by sight and touch. Just watch who you let in your bed and watch who your checking out and you won't be in this situation next time.

[Bruce Ban-again]

I liked the two part/two day structure because you did not fail the set up. First a short bit 'bout how things go down. The enemy being the mind.

Then... the next day, the mind lays the smackdown, as it were. An obsession with a female is always a dangerous thing and your piece proves this true. By admitting your mind produces useless thoughts, it makes only better the parts where the rhymes fail each other.

It's more than just sight and touch though... it's sound. The first day, it smelled of many sounds and melodies. The next day though, was an empty and broken tune that couldn't keep pace. I dig it.

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