Bunny in the Breeze
By The Great Father, Senator.
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It was, to most, a typical Sunday Morning: the sun was out and the sky was unusually devoid of clouds. But to Thames Onionside, it was anything but ordinary. Today was the accumulation of the last 8 months, as he owed four dollars to the local loan shark. He had bet on a triangle when the winner was a square, and as a result found himself in this crushing debt. But the due date for this sum was brought quicker due to an incident that had occurred just three days ago.
Thames was at the market picking up some eggs and milk. He had a strong hankering for 2% milk, and there was only one container left in the refrigerated section. "By jove, that milk must be mine", said Thames out loud unintentionally. As he was but a mere 7 feet from the container of milk, someone stepped in front of him and grabbed it. Fury boiled in Thames as if his blood were set afire, his muscles began to quake and rational thought left his mind as he punched through a pane of glass. Picking up a large piece of the shattered glass, he wrapped it in a dish towel lying nearby and approached the now terrified individual who took the container of 2% milk. "Si vergogna per entrambe le nostre famiglie! La tua vita è per nessun motivo e si deve essere terminata!" (which roughly translates to "you have brought shame onto both of our families! You must be murdered!") screamed Thames as he used the glass shard to help the shopper meet James Brown in hell.
There were two witnesses to this lethal act in a turtle named Meyer and an old owl named Wilmer Nomorehoots. "You are not sitting at the smart table today, friend" said Meyer. It turned out that Mayer's brother was the local loan shark who had loaned money to Thames. "What's your deal, Meyer? I wanted my milk, and I'm sick and tired of men's breast milk so I just wanted some 2%. That lady had to die for her sins" he said as he put some eggs into his shopping basket. "You have left a bad impression on me. Surely if you would do that for milk you would not be responsible in paying back your debt! That poor woman's name was ChopChop and she was going to lobby for another bank in our hamlet. You have failed us all, Thames. You truly have failed us all." said Meyer as he slowly trudged away. Hurt by these words, Thames turned to Wilmer, who was already peeing on his shoe. "That's what I think about you today, Thames" said Wilmer as he concluded his spiteful urination.
Thames remembered this chapter of his life as being the reason why he was burdened with the urgency of his debt collection being today. Sighing as he remembered a lesson once taught to him by Maya Angelou about how, ultimately, his actions led to the ire of one causing minor havoc in his own life. His life today was a hamster's anus drenched in diet Thousand Island salad dressing with a few islands missing. He was bemoaning this when he heard the knock he was expecting at his door. He saw that the back door to his home was open; He could either face his debt or escape once again. But as he thought of the two roads ahead of him, he knew that he should pick courage over fear. He opened the door and ate Meyer's eyeballs. He then robbed Meyer of four dollars and three cents and put the money in Meyer's hand. "Here, this is for the loan plus interest." said Thames as he went back inside.
Meyer pulled a pair of replacement eyeballs from his pocket and put them in his empty eye sockets and then saw the money. "I do wish people would stop eating my eyeballs, but thank you for paying promptly" sighed Meyer. Thames sat on his reclining chair, knowing that of the two paths he could have taken on this dilemma, he took courage over fear. He was not a member of Infected Pens.... he was a bunny armed with fortitude.
However, his feeling of inner peace was replaced with inward penetration as the tip of a broadsword pierced through a gap in his ribcage. "I told you that you were a bum! A filthy stinking bum" came the voice of Wilmer Nomorehoots from behind him. "You never once told me this, you son of a bitch" gasped Thames as he slowly fell to the floor. By the time he was fully akimbo, the last bits of life had already left his body.
Thames realized he was in hell when he saw miles of empty refrigerators. There would be no 2% milk here, he thought. This lamentation was abruptly cut short as he saw multiple men walking towards him with various limbs and/or pieces of the head removed. They ambled towards him while shooting breast milk at him, which set Thames running into the maze of refrigerators. Just as the mangled bodies cornered him and began drenching him in breast milk, a booming voice cut through the commotion.
"Thames Eners Onionside, thou hath not been slain. Thou art a noble warrior and thine injury hath costeth thee much of thine blood, but not thine soul. James Brown and Martin Van Buren shalt be tortured for another century to granteth thee a second chance, thou wilst be granted more vigor, for what didn't kill thee hath made thee stronger. Make the most of thine second chance, knave.". The second the sentence from the unknown voice ended, Thames found himself in the hospital.
Thames left the hospital before being properly discharged, for he realized that he was living his life wrong. He realized he had spent his whole life trying to be Charles Schwab while he really wanted to write a short book called "How to Hump, Part 5." as a sequel to the Brothers Grimm tale "Hansel and Gretel". But until this brush with death, Thames was too scared to leave the comfortable embrace of the belief that he would be the next Charles Schwab to accept that this was a pipe dream that was keeping him from living the life he always wanted. So he made like Christopher Columbus and took the journey from certainty into the unknown in hopes of a better life.
His resolve lasted for all of 4 months, where he was walking to grab groceries while thinking about how he would close his book when a drunk who was driving a car hit him. He bled out within two minutes and again found himself surrounded by empty refrigerators. He then saw the mangled men approaching him once again... he was not ten feet tall or bulletproof in hell. His pussy was glued to a building set ablaze as he was damned to an eternity of drowning in men's breast milk. Though he was a bunny, he had lost in his tryout for the human race while he was alive. He was stuck in a realm of damnation for naught.
He should have just purchased 1% milk on that fateful day.
